Parents

Last February (almost a year ago!), I moved 50 miles from my hometown of G to CK. It wasn't easy.... at all.

When you move to your boyfriend's town, you trust him (or I sincerely hope you would...why would you be with someone you can't trust?). We pretty much lived in what we call his "shak". It was an adventure. It was camping but 10x better than any other camping trip I've been on. It was my secret abode.. and it was magical. But then I wanted a shower of my own instead of sneaking off to the campground for one every now and then and a stove so I could make real food instead of buying the processed snacks at the DG.

So one day he comes home from work and says he's found us a place. He showed it to me right then and later we made contact with the landlord. We paid her the 1st month of rent that night. It was ours.

I trusted him. And I trusted her. To be a good, reliable landlord. Wrooooonng.

We would be in touch soon with each other to sign a lease agreement. Of course, for that, it means the electric must be in our name. And for that, one must have a deposit. And for being so young and having little-to-none credit, that meant a hefty deposit. So we were saving up. And we could afford it at the time.

But whaddoyaknow, CFEC (the electric company out here) pulls up in the yard one day while J is at work. He says he's there to shut off the electric unless we pay the bill. We hadn't put the electric in our name but I'd be damned if he came home to the electric shut off. Especially in the winter.

Extraordinarily, the exact amount of the bill was the exact amount I had in my wallet. Not shitting you.

So we kept the electric on. But guess what the worker had told me. Low and behold, our landlord was in jail. J - A - I - L. WTF?! It was pretty bad.

Despite that, we thought, or rather assumed, we were in the clear - at least for the next month - with the electric. Somehow we'd be able to get in touch with her. It's pretty hard when you're on the outside. Apparently, you can only talk to someone locked up if they call you. Pretty convenient, no?

Not more than a week later, CFEC is in the yard again. Great, what's going on now? To top it off, this guy was an asshole. No sweet tooth in his mouth. He said he had orders to shut the electric off. I was in disbelief. How could he do that if the bill is paid? It doesn't matter if the person (who's the electric is in) orders it to be shut off. (So he could get his $$$ deposit back). Welcome to the real world, sweetheart, and it's a lot colder than you'd imagine. Bring a jacket. Or two. There are a bunch of assholes out here and they don't care about screwing over a 19-year-old and a 17-year-old trying to make it on their own.

So guess what we had to do while waiting to make contact with the landlord?
We had to go without electricity. We were back to taking showers secretly at the campground. We had to go without a stove or a fridge. We had to go without heat in the dead of winter. We woke up several times seeing our breath inside the house. And this happened for two weeks.

Two weeks before the landlord's mom got ahold of us. She now had the power of attorney. With the next paycheck of Jeremiah's (I quit work in G and hadn't started looking yet for a job in CK just yet - while still going to class in G full time) & after signing the lease agreement, we had the electric turned back on. It was a great feeling to take a hot shower that night. We were so thankful. It didn't feel good to fork over so much cash just for that, but we slept warm that night and no, we didn't see our breath in our house the next morning.

Little while down the road, I get a job. But not long after that, another tragedy struck. While I was at work, too.

J was home. Had the neighbor over and somebody stopped by to see our neighbor. She didn't check around her vehicle for our baby boy. She went to back up and ran him over slightly. My sweet baby. 6 months old at the time. I had to come home and find out the bad news. (I think this is why me and J are so paranoid/worried of coming home to find him hurt/why we always take him with us). We drove to a place that was still open, which happened to be in G. They wouldn't accept payments and they wanted all the mu-la before even doing work on him. Grreeeaaattt. Cause we didn't have that kind of cash. I called my mom. She was willing to and did help us. Apollo wouldn't be alive without her. We also were accepted into the puppy fund which helped pay for part of his surgery. J had to keep working and I had to temporarily quit my job to watch over him and make sure he recovered just fine. We also didn't have a crate and when we ended up borrowing one, it just wasn't working for our pup. He hates confinement. And we don't want to encourage that. We each need our freedom of space.

So, money was tight again. I had to withdraw from some of my classes and failed the one I remained in. Not my shining moment. It was supposed to be my last semester before I graduated with my AA and moved on to the big school. I found out in February as well that I would be going there in the Fall.

Eventually, our baby recovered just fine & I got my job back. But shortly thereafter, there were problems at J's work and he needed a break from it. I could kind of understand. Well, actually, I would have quit a long time before he did. But his work was tough. 40-50 hours a week.

So it was just my paycheck, which was 1/4th of his each week, unfortunately. But we were getting by. I mean, we got by. We're still here today - alive, a little hungry, and a little stressed. But we're here and we're still trying to keep going.

For awhile, J didn't have a job or would be in between jobs. But for awhile, we made it. And there weren't problems with the house that weren't there before.

Then in May, we found out I was pregnant. I stopped with the Depo shot in April, immediately got my period, and then in May, went to the dr's for a test. It was positive. We were both in shock for a little bit at first but J went full swing into gearing up for "Daddy" mode. He's all into it. I'm still adjusting and preparing myself. It's because he has more experience with babies than I do. But I'll have plenty of practice in just a few months. Eeep!

And theeeeeen, the summer began and it was all hell. It was crazy. I got back into school mode, more motivated than ever, & ready to receive my AA! I was in G 2-3x a week + working while J worked too. Why I can't remember where he worked I don't understand. (Is this what they call pregnancy brain? Yikes) I was very tired, being in the 1st trimester, adjusting to pregnancy, doing classwork, working, and doing the usual household responsibilities as well as seeing friends. It was all a big blur. I hope family understands.

So I got my AA. And that was awesome! I'm still considering doing an AA celebration dinner in December when I would be walking across the stage. I just really need the money (sorry, but it's true).

But in the past few months, our house has practically fallen apart. I've learned more about this house and how disgusting it was even before we moved in. It was worse than what I saw of it. Which it was literally trashed inside and out, front and back, with crap.

The fridge was the first to go. Awesome..

Then it was the breakers. We have slowly dwindled down from living comfortably in 3 rooms - the living room, the bedroom, and the kitchen, to now being in one room. Seriously. We live off extension cords now. We have the TV with speakers, a nightlamp, a heater, and a mini-fridge.

We don't have hot water though.

We also had the car driver's window go out and the alternator go out.

Now the back tire doesn't stay aired up... even after NAPA claimed that they had fixed it. Mhm.

We've also had to ask for help at the Food Pantry to get by so we wouldn't exactly starve.

I looked for houses for rent and found T W O out here for rent. I don't know why people don't get it but there's not a surplus of houses that are available to be lived in out in CK. It's a small town. And when something does hit the "market", it goes by word of mouth and somebody who can afford it grabs it. Because the two I inquired about were $800/mo & $1000/mo. So yeah.

What we did was drive on the county road we live off of - from one end to other, stopping at every for sale sign we saw. Because if we were to be paying for a place and it were to be pricey, we were going to make sure we were going to own it.

And we found a house. 3 bedroom, 2 bath. Built in 2002. Sits on 1 acre, surrounded by pasture. Fenced in. Carport. 2 sheds - 1 to work in and 1 to house the water pump. It's beautiful and cheap. Compared to prices on the island or in G. It's perfect for us and the best fit.

A little birdie told me that my father was saving up enough money for a loan for me. I contacted him but he was of no use. He told me to pay off my debts (I have none...?) and to gain some credit. And then maybe I would be ready. *Eye roll* Sometimes you just hate somebody.

And then my mom offered to help. I didn't really want her too because she's done a lot for me. But she offered to and that was without me asking.

So we even was shown the place by the owners and the realtor with my mother present. I loved it. But she started doubting it. And then she started calling for places to see what kind of loans she could get. There was one option but she doesn't want to take it. Its 20% down (on a $70-80,000 home). She can afford to do that. And that means a quicker way of paying off the bill, less each month for us, and then I could pay her back eventually. I'm fine with that. I do owe her. But I need her help. Oh so desperately but I just don't think she's willing to go the "extra mile" for her daughter and expected 1st grandbaby. C'mon now. So I'm stuck. Because the lender she spoke with, told her he could try to work with me.... if I had a down payment and if I had credit history. He also said that to build up credit, it would take 4-5 months. I have less than 2 months, buddy, to get in a god damn house before this child of mine comes and I'd be damned if I had to come home to this. It's our home but it's not livable. I don't think my mom really expressed the urgency of the situation or the need. Who would say no and feel morally right to a 20-year-old pregnant woman just getting on her feet in a new town, trying to save money, trying to get in a new place while living in a dilapidated holes-in-the-walls with breaker problems and insufficient/incorrect installation of insulation. Now that's a tongue twister that'll give Sally with her sea shells a run for her money. Goodness. I'm quite mouthy and lengthy though when I write. Ask any of my previous English teachers. They'll tell ya.

So what am I to do?

Here's what I can do in the short run:

Get a credit card
And keep saving money.
Find a bank who may actually work with me and allowing me to take out a 1st-time homeowners' loan...

If there was one person who could financially help me, it would be my mother, yet she seems unwilling to help her babies out. The one person everyone calls selfless. I beg of you.

combinationssssssss!

Well, I woke up purty good today. Woke up, took a shower, listened to some good ole Pandora, did my hair, got in a comfy&fuzzy shirt, some fuzzy slippers, took out the trash&the recycling, watched tv, drank water, took some self portraits of for my photography class, saw my sunflowers were growing!!!, felt pretty good about myself, my comforter, my sign, myself, my life, that it's spring break!!!, and even tho I have to work, I'm makin MF money! ...and hopefully orientation for my new job rolls around REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY sooon..... hopefully... PLEASE?! so yeah, this whole combination of life, of décor, of photography, seeing life artistically or however I see it - FANTASMICALLY - is pretty great. I definitely still have to call my Grandma today since I got to see her at work yesterday!! Sweetest gesture ever, Christmas gift. So proud of me, seems like I'm going in the right direction! Well I am Grandma!!! and there was a $50 bill, so fucking awesome. I love her. Seeing her this weekend while also trying to shoot Ty C., M. Barthelme & her boyfriend, the roommates, and whoever else I can squeeze in?! Might text Matt/Alex tonight and see if they wanna smoke orr what. Actually might do that Thurs/Saturday, so I can take out 20 when I get paid..... and maybe go to Liger. Hmmm.... Call Oakley..? ssssssssh. I'm just happpppppyyyyy!!! Hopefully this remains, I'll be refreshed and replenished if I get a break tonight! But I don't even want one financially...... I don't know. A lil more cash or potential shots for my class..? There's a whole thing that makes life, life: Balance. Life is all about balancing, weighing options, choices, choosing, heavier or lighter. I don't even know if I can go into the whole symbolism of a balance... That'd be a cool ass tattoo, doe forreal! Where? I want one. I want a MF tattoo.. a B***. a hookah... décor... MJ... I won't get into deeper shit but eyyy. SO LITTLE TIME ***refer to this for when shooooooooooting???

I. am. just. so. stressed. and. OVERWHELMED with school. 4 days left. with 2 finals on top........

I'm just not sure where to start... FUCKing A. I need to get away from my house. go into one of our study rooms and spread all work out and just get organized. start with stuff that's immediately due/happening tomorrow.

1)HW#23: In-class MLA Quiz: so, review MLA handouts (2)
2)ORGANIZE SLS1101.12 binder... put everything in the clasps (holepunch), print stuff, 3)TYPE AND PRINT "CRASH" PAPER
4)type and print life plan notes (be prepared for tomorrow/wed)
5)Trig HW, Trig Wkshts...REVIEW***MAJORLY***
6)MAP#3

...not to mention massive amounts of laundry and cleaning needing to be done..
fuck.
I. hate. procrastination.
yeah..

humiliation at its finest

well, should I say this on the web? I just want to get it out. I went over to a friend's to chill and shit.. no biggie. f a d e d. ugh. too much. should've just fallen asleep on that bed.. but then I fucking threw up. which I tried to not make obvious. it was my fault. and... was fucking passing out on the couch in the living room. it was awful.. so it wore off and I was going to be fine but I was tired and ashamed so I opted out of riding to the store and goin to a kegger with them. of course I wake up and was like "DAMN, why didn't I go..." but I just keep looking at myself in the mirror.. and I look down upon myself... stupid me. ............bad moments. life. i'm awkward. woo. usually i'm not. so embarrassing. and I was quiet. fuck that ..

i'm sick of this.

I just want to be over with school and get that major pain in the ass out of the way. next is a vehicle. oh yeah, having a working phone would be lovely too. ya know. just throwing that out there... so, i'm a lame-ass living on my own, having my mom come pick me up and drop me off at college. YIPEE!! Isn't that AWESOME?!? :D fuck no. and then, she's gonna drive me to work and pick me up..... . wow. i'm such a hardass. ooh, be thankful I have rides.. well I could really be hard-headed and take the bus, or even walk, like I do to work. Ok? I gave in, took the easy and lame route. 6 more days of going to college and then I'm done.. Until January 7. I have until January 7 to find a vehicle. A working one. That is mine. All mine... Preferably like in the next week, I'd love to have one. I told mom to pay for one and then I pay her $100 out of every paycheck. ya know $400-$500 every month... She actually considered that one. So maybe.... maybe..... PLEASE DEAR LORD. What about that $4200 2003 Ford Mustang off Parker Rd (I believe?).... Or... a cheaper car... off craigslist. ya know. ex-nay the dealer. get a working phone. contact my peeps......... to hang out... like, well certain people. I can live without a phone for the most part. like I wake up with now a alarm clock. check that and my laptop for phone. when I get vehicle, I look at the clock in there. Just no one can contact me without my laptop. Or facebook. So I just won't be able to be far from my phone.. or I'll use other people's phones.. I already know Taylor's and my mom's numbers. That's pretty much it. I could memorize Bainbridge, but well.. my phone's off. Maybe I need to try a different charger or a new battery. Go to Verizon to figure it out. Ya know.. So deal with money order/cb/df go to class/work laundry**clean Hw** find a vehicle********************

..let's get real... oh damn... No vehicle? Forreal. I don't know how to fucking use the bus. FUCK. TOO MUCH GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. NO PHONE EITHER. FOURTH phone in the past 2 months. yeah, fuck my life. 3 classes left AND 2 days of finals. COME ON. DEAR JESUS, WHAT DID I DO to deserve this? I know this is life... but, but... whatever. I gotta move forward. Please dear God I get in touch with my mom, fix my phone, get a new phone. or an alarm clock and a vehicle. please. please. please. got to do this. like today... cause ya know, there's no way to get a vehicle or a ride.... oh yeah, my phone's dead so I can't ask for a ride.................. from like my ex-coworker......... no biggie.. UGH. UGH. UGH. UGH. UGH. UGH. UGH...... well, shit..... WHAT THE FUCK CAN'T GO WRONG WITH MY LIFE... your life > mine. period.. so much shit to do. don't know where to start. hw. ha. how much? which major assignment to focus on today? oh return money. oh get a phone. oh get a vehicle. laundry. clean. ...i'm freaking out. oh yeah and I guess I Don't really even have friends... why? ya know why? ya know how people speak the truth when they're drunk? yeah apparently the guy I thought I was the closest to and thought of most as a friend said last night that if I got a vehicle, was happy, and never saw them again, he wouldn't care. he'd be ok with that. people don't care. He's supposed to be the sensitive one.. like, really?

..I pray noone finds this that I know..

Do you love the last person you kissed? ha, noo.. Who was the last person you kissed on the lips? can't say.. H What’s your real name? kt Is it easy to make you cry? pinpoint certain topics, yea. otherwise no. Have you ever been cheated on? yea Do you wish at 11:11? yea.. How’s June going for you so far? well, it's far from June. June was a great month.. Do you like your life? yea. What is your relationship status? single If you’re in a relationship, who with? n/a Do you hate anyone? maybe one person... I just don't think about it that much. no use in wasting emotion, energy, and time. Does anyone hate you? i'm sure. What is your biggest regret? nothing.. Do you miss anyone from your past? maybe the memories. Did you kiss someone at midnight on new years eve? I believe so. Ever been in love? I thought so... Would it hurt you to see the person you last kissed, kissing someone else? nope. How many times have you cried this week? none. Do you cry yourself to sleep at night? no Who are you messaging right now? no one. I'm taking me time. Who was the last person to inbox you on facebook? gio Who was the last person to break your heart? That hasn't happened. Last question: Are you listening to any music ? If so, what song ? Yea, Pandora. Tim McGraw.... --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? yea.. 2. A big poofy dress or a short party dress? short party dress. 3. What would you do if you received a long love letter? aw at it. 4. Group dates or single dates? either or. 5. Do you hate it when guys act different around their friends? no, I expect it. and it's the same with girls, too. 6. Are diamonds a girls best friend? no, a dog and BL is. or at least for me.. 7. Is your hair up or down today? up... I kinda just woke up, ya know.. 8. Do you straighten your hair? I will.... sooon.:) 9. Favorite mascara? Maybelline. Covergirl. 10. Do you get your nails done? no, I want to.. 11. Small or large purses? bags.. I don't have purses. 12. In your purse, what are your must haves? wallet. phone charger. headphones. phone. chapstick. money. 13. Jeans or sweats? jeans. sweats are cool sometimes 14. Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry thats uncomfortable? sometimes 15. Do you text message a lot? yeah.. 16. What would you do if you got pregnant? it happens. keep it. move on. 17. Whats your favorite color? blue. 18. Heels or flats? heels. I don't like flats. I like sandals and boots, though. 19. Did you ever cry during a romantic movie? I have. 20. Would you ever leave the house without make-up on? umm yeah, that's a daily.. 21. Walmart or Target? for cheap stuff... Walmart. I really like Target though, unfortunately. 22. Do you wear collared shirts? eh, I have some. 23. Do you like preppy boys? heck naw.. 24. Do you think lip gloss is the best!? no. 25. Do you own any big sunglasses? I used to. I don't have a single pair now. 26. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? just depends.. 27. Do you like to wear band-aids? umm, not really.. who would? 28. Do you like skater boys? they're cute. 29. Do you often wish there was something you could change? sure.. 30. Gold or silver? both.... really. 31. Do you like to receive flowers? sunflowers. 32. Do you like surfer boys? they have great bods and hair.. 33. Do you dress up for the holidays? Halloween? okay. 34. Do you like to wear dresseses? they're easy. 35. On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you? no. 36. In the last 48 hours have you hung out with a guy? um yeah. pretty much like 24/7. 37. Would you date a guy shorter than you? no. 38. Do you like to hold hands? ..yes. 39. What is the youngest you would date? HA. 40. What is the oldest you would date? 21. 41. What do you notice when you first meet a guy? it depends. there's always something that stands out. like a smile or their eyes.. or their body. ya know 42. Is it hot when guys sweat? ya mean when they glisten... ha ha.. if they don't stink and have good muscles..... yeah. 43. What is the best feature in a guy? mmmmm.... don't get me started. 44. Do you like making eye contact? sometimes. 46. Would you kill for chocolate? nah, I like it. not that much. 47. Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy? yeah.. 48. On a scale from 1-10 how fun is shopping? when I can spend? it's awesome.. 49. Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show? um yeah.. where did the last season of AWKWARD. go?? 50. Do you yell a lot? fuck no. 51. Do you wear sweatpants/pajamas to school/work? no 52. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy? no. 53. Do you write a lot of mushy love poems? fuuuuuuuudge no. 54. What makeup could you not live w/ out? mascara. 55. Do you fall in love easily? no. 56. Do you have cramps? no. 57. Do you think you have the bestest friend ever? ummmmmmmmm yeaaaaaaaa......... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What size is the last bed you kissed on? normal truck bed. you know. When was the last time you were sick? like September or October time. Are you one of those people who are always cold? yes... >.< What are you listening to? three days grace. How many more days until your birthday? uhh... like 10 months and 6 days. Do you have any summer plans yet? 2 school classes. and work. yea.. When was the last time you shaved your legs? a couple days. thanks for the reminder. Is there someone you wish you were closer with? ..........chyea. Do you tend to waste a lot of money? hahhahaha look at my bank transactions from this summer til now. laugh with me. please. Have any addictions? .. lsdjf I don't know? Are you anything like your siblings? maybe. Have you ever had a stalker? YES.. this creepy charly with a y dude. What did you last drink? BL:) Have you ever received an injury from a hook up? bahah.....omajesus What did you last eat? granola bar. What was the best concert you have been to? Brad Paisley concert when Tim Tebow came on stage and sang :) :) Who is the last person you hugged? big perm! Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? uh yeah, all my friends are.. When was the last time you had a crowd at your house? oh, it's been a couple weeks. What can you smell? nothing, my sniffer is broke. according to taylor. How many cell phones have you had? 7... like 2 or 3 are the same phone....... just lost.. Which school year do you think will be the saddest? ? I don't know. I'm outta high school. Praise the lawd! Do you have trust issues? Do I? I don't really think about these little details anymore.. Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? maybe feelings I don't want them to know I still have for a certain ftard. Where do you get all your clothes? ae or free places. ya know. family. What did you do today ? well I woke up being cuddled at 7 in the goddamn morning and then we hung out in the camper for a lil bit, got big perm, dropped garrett off in Bronson, big perm at work and now i'm at my place:) How many more years of high school do you have? NONE NONE NONE Do you have a YouTube account? yessir Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? mm, maybe.. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? once. one person. it happened. it happens. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? no Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? maybe..... I don't realllly think when I see someone, "Do you never fail to make me smile?" Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person? yes. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? someone else.. I hate the loneliness Will next friday be a good one? umm, yes! When was the last time something bothered you? maybe like all the time.... except when you realize you're being cuddled. that's the best thing in the world, yo. Do you think age matters in relationships? maybe.. ha.... Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend? pretty much, yeaaa When will your next kiss be? god only knows. Who was the first male you talked to today? I think Charlie.. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------