negative nancy, pessimistic polly or positive pam, optimistic ollie?

I try so hard to be light, not let things get to me, and to always be happy, positive, optimistic. I don't know if it's where I'm at or if I've just changed. I really think it's going to be hard in the relationship area because of my past boyfriend.
I'm trying really hard to fully trust this new guy, to not let things bug me and just go with it. It's kind of working but I'm trying to change it because if I don't, then I'll act like I did with my ex. This current boyfriend has no need to be treated like that. Fun, airy, light, not serious, laugh a lot. I'm also trying to go back to who I was... Did not let anything, seriously ANY thing bother, bug or bring me down.
I don't know if I'm just stuck where I don't want to be. I just feel so eh....
I'm not motivated and I need to be. I've been pissy, not getting enough sleep. and like last past, something doesn't feel right but I still can't put my finger on it.
Maybe it's this waiting game. I like adventure, I like being busy and things going fast. And much hasn't..in a way. I'm beyond ready to move out, I'm beyond ready to get pierced again, I'm beyond ready to turn 18, I'm beyond ready to be done with college (and I haven't even started)...
I'm just...waiting. Is it the calm before the storm? slow before it gets fastpaced and busy? Calm and slow before it gets crazy.
Should I just start packing...? Get myself focused.
I got to tell my work schedule, get more info bout this new potential job, school shop for supplies&clothes, pack.
Where's my always go lucky, never fails to be happy and never lets anything get her down girl? I'm searching for you inside but you seem lost. Come find me. Let's be better again.
I gotta do it, find the old me again, somewhere deep inside of me. Or things won't work out.
Dear me,
wherever you are, I'll find you. Someway, somehow. We will always smile. There is always good in everything. Don't worry about anything. Don't get mad. Don't get frustrated. Nothing negative, especially negative emotions, will be associated with us. We will always laugh and be happy. Optimism is our best friend. Little things mean a ton to us but don't make them problems. Don't.... Just don't. but do everything you want to. Don't have fear... Don't think. Just be.
Remember, we're going to travel the world, make huge differences in everybody's lives that we encounter. We're gonna be somebody. We are special and we have to show that. We are special because we are always nice, always loving, always happy and we are free as a bird. Nothing is a burden. Nothing will hold us back. Nothing or nobody will bring us down. We are unstoppable. We are unbreakable. We will do nothing but good. No problems, no worries. Just live, smile.
......love, me...