not even homemade chocolate chip cookies could cheer me up.

Usually baking is a good pick me upper.. Not tonight. I made homemade. chocolate chip. cookies. what could get better? Apparently a lot. Like my mood, for instance. I really don't know why I feel like this. Maybe it is from the constant stress and confusion I have been battling at home.

I've been having great times with my best friend like always. Good times with my new boyfriend. It just feels like something, a major something, could do some serious improvement and it would make my whole life brighter, enormously. Something feels flat, monotone and even missing. What is it? Excitement, joy? Happiness?

My job is fine and my coworkers are nice, talkative and just overall great. My best friend brings out the best in me, we always have a good time and we make a lot of young teenager memories/experiences. My boyfriend is sweet and nice and a dork. We talk a ton about the future. Maybe we should focus on now. I'm not sure.

I really want to move out. My mom is holding out. I almost wish my cousin and boyfriend had stayed in Jonesville and not moved to Mayo because then I would have moved in with them... It would be family, I'd get along, and it would be awesome.

But this place I'm looking at - no limit/caps on electricity/water/anything. It's all inclusive and unlimited. It's a nice place. It's close to work. I just need my mom to put her signature down, saying she allows it. She understands but she's still hesitant. It's pretty rocky around the house nowadays. I guess that's what is the most saddening. Maybe that's the source of all these negative emotions. I'm not sure. I'll always remember to smile for there is always a reason to smile. I'm alive, I'm healthy, I have a job, I have nice things, I have a car, I have a phone, I have clothes and tonight I finally got a home-cooked meal, a ravish meal at that. It was deluxe. For me anyways. I appreciated it. Full on appreciation. Divine. I'm in awe. Skillet cooked chicken on rice with veggies mixed in (and on the side too!)and other little things like mushrooms and other niceties we never have that I don't eat.

I guess I just don't feel whole. I don't feel light. I do feel weighed down some times. Maybe there's this big hole inside of me that needs to be patched and filled. I guess that's my problem and from tonight and on - it's a journey I will begin to find the solution and solve it. That's my goal. I can't believe summer is more than halfway over. People are counting day saying its 30-something days left until school starts.... I'm not ready.
Big changes coming this way.
The biggest question of all..
Am I ready?
Time will tell.